Totally Unfair.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thoughts From the Road
So, I've been chil-axin at Jenny and Jon's for the past few days and been totally enjoying not working at all... but it does leave me with a lot of time to think.
Two things have been on my mind:
1. Not being able to let go of my ex-boyfriend.
2. Not being able to tell the guy I like that I like him.
I don't know what to do about 1. I keep thinking about Sweden and what my life would have been like with him. We watched Sicko last night and thinking about how horrible our health care system here is, and how wonderful it is in Sweden.
As for number two all I can think about is the speech from Chasing Amy:
"Alyssa Jones: Why are we stopping?
Holden McNeil: Because I can't take this
Alyssa Jones: Can't take what?
Holden McNeil: I love you
Alyssa Jones: You love me?
Holden McNeil: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know...I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me."
I still can't see myself actually SAYing that, as much as I would like to.
As I was kicking around the Mountain Lake resort where they shot Dirty Dancing (omg it was so cool!) I kept thinking about how nice it would have been to explore with someone I loved. I mean, I love Jenny and Jon but not *that* way. The thing about the guy I like is that he makes everything more enjoyable. Even if he doesn't really like the thing we're doing, somehow it's always more fun... *sigh* I just want someone to accept me even thought I am bossy and annoying and moody and fat and broken. And I really want it to be him.
Don't mind me, I am just being a girl.
Also, I probably need to see the doctor and start taking medication...
Two things have been on my mind:
1. Not being able to let go of my ex-boyfriend.
2. Not being able to tell the guy I like that I like him.
I don't know what to do about 1. I keep thinking about Sweden and what my life would have been like with him. We watched Sicko last night and thinking about how horrible our health care system here is, and how wonderful it is in Sweden.
As for number two all I can think about is the speech from Chasing Amy:
"Alyssa Jones: Why are we stopping?
Holden McNeil: Because I can't take this
Alyssa Jones: Can't take what?
Holden McNeil: I love you
Alyssa Jones: You love me?
Holden McNeil: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know...I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me."
I still can't see myself actually SAYing that, as much as I would like to.
As I was kicking around the Mountain Lake resort where they shot Dirty Dancing (omg it was so cool!) I kept thinking about how nice it would have been to explore with someone I loved. I mean, I love Jenny and Jon but not *that* way. The thing about the guy I like is that he makes everything more enjoyable. Even if he doesn't really like the thing we're doing, somehow it's always more fun... *sigh* I just want someone to accept me even thought I am bossy and annoying and moody and fat and broken. And I really want it to be him.
Don't mind me, I am just being a girl.
Also, I probably need to see the doctor and start taking medication...
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Since I can't post on MobileMe remotely...
I will be blogging her for a bit, I suppose so that I don't forget to write any of this stuff down.
Let's start with the beginning of the trip.
Since you're probably behind I'll tell you that I went on a road-trip with a fantastically amazing, totally hott, and kind of young guy (code name: JT) so that I could come visit my bestest friend in the whole wide world Jenny and her awesome husband, Jon.
We started out about 4 o'clock on Sunday afternoon driving out of Kansas City on our trip out to VA. It was completely sublime, if you ask me, which you most certainly do since you're reading my blog right now and you presumably want to know what I think.
We listened to some music, had some great conversation and just as the conversation got really deep, it got so deep that what I was saying distracted JT and we missed our exit by at least an hour and we had to drive to Louisville and back-track to Bowling Green, KY to pick up his best friend's dog to take her to the freind's parent's house in Virginia Beach.
It was a little iffy there because we kind of tried to drive all-night and JT got tired around 6:30 AM and I started driving but then after he fell asleep, I quickly got sleepy too so I pulled off the road because he would never want to date me if I crashed his car and killed us both... not that I want to date him or anything... *ahem*
So I slept for a bit and JT did too, then it was back on the road. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a bit of an adventure, and then to see an old friend of his. I think he was kind of irritated at himself for the trip taking longer than it should but I liked the detours. They made it more of an adventure, more of a story to tell. And that's what makes things important, if they are interesting enough to retell... at least the book that I read in just two days said it was.
But I'm skipping ahead.
We got to Blacksburg (where I'm vacationing) and I somehow convinced JT to have dinner with Jenny and Jon and it was totally fun. ^_^ He was sweet and charming (if a lil goofy, but that's why I like him) and it was snowing and I was SO glad I convinced him not to drive all the way to VA Beach without any sleep. I would have been up all night worried about him and stuff.
I spent yesterday kicking around. I ran, I went to Best Buy and got an external HD (because I have a crazy irrational fear that my Powerbook is going to die or something) and I read about half of the book I finished today. Jenny and jon and I had cheese lasagna for dinner and I totally miss JT which is sort of new for me. I don't usually miss people but I guess since I totally have a crush on him, it's not that weird.
I just keep thinking what we'd do if he were here, about things we will do/ talk about when he gets back to me, what I would say if he were still here... and how I can make him think about me as oftgen as he thinks about his stupid ex-gf.
The whole point is probably moot as I think he thinks of me sort of like a sister or sexless BFF. But he might have only called me his BFF because I did it first when I was scared that he might find out I like him for reals and get freaked out and run away because I am an old scary woman or something.
Anyway... that's how the vaca is going so far.
Here's to more relaxing reading and hopefully some end of trip making out.
Shut up.
I know I'm dreaming but it's my freaking vacation.
I'm allowed.
Let's start with the beginning of the trip.
Since you're probably behind I'll tell you that I went on a road-trip with a fantastically amazing, totally hott, and kind of young guy (code name: JT) so that I could come visit my bestest friend in the whole wide world Jenny and her awesome husband, Jon.
We started out about 4 o'clock on Sunday afternoon driving out of Kansas City on our trip out to VA. It was completely sublime, if you ask me, which you most certainly do since you're reading my blog right now and you presumably want to know what I think.
We listened to some music, had some great conversation and just as the conversation got really deep, it got so deep that what I was saying distracted JT and we missed our exit by at least an hour and we had to drive to Louisville and back-track to Bowling Green, KY to pick up his best friend's dog to take her to the freind's parent's house in Virginia Beach.
It was a little iffy there because we kind of tried to drive all-night and JT got tired around 6:30 AM and I started driving but then after he fell asleep, I quickly got sleepy too so I pulled off the road because he would never want to date me if I crashed his car and killed us both... not that I want to date him or anything... *ahem*
So I slept for a bit and JT did too, then it was back on the road. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a bit of an adventure, and then to see an old friend of his. I think he was kind of irritated at himself for the trip taking longer than it should but I liked the detours. They made it more of an adventure, more of a story to tell. And that's what makes things important, if they are interesting enough to retell... at least the book that I read in just two days said it was.
But I'm skipping ahead.
We got to Blacksburg (where I'm vacationing) and I somehow convinced JT to have dinner with Jenny and Jon and it was totally fun. ^_^ He was sweet and charming (if a lil goofy, but that's why I like him) and it was snowing and I was SO glad I convinced him not to drive all the way to VA Beach without any sleep. I would have been up all night worried about him and stuff.
I spent yesterday kicking around. I ran, I went to Best Buy and got an external HD (because I have a crazy irrational fear that my Powerbook is going to die or something) and I read about half of the book I finished today. Jenny and jon and I had cheese lasagna for dinner and I totally miss JT which is sort of new for me. I don't usually miss people but I guess since I totally have a crush on him, it's not that weird.
I just keep thinking what we'd do if he were here, about things we will do/ talk about when he gets back to me, what I would say if he were still here... and how I can make him think about me as oftgen as he thinks about his stupid ex-gf.
The whole point is probably moot as I think he thinks of me sort of like a sister or sexless BFF. But he might have only called me his BFF because I did it first when I was scared that he might find out I like him for reals and get freaked out and run away because I am an old scary woman or something.
Anyway... that's how the vaca is going so far.
Here's to more relaxing reading and hopefully some end of trip making out.
Shut up.
I know I'm dreaming but it's my freaking vacation.
I'm allowed.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Blogging is Lame.
Mostly because I am also lame and have been using another blog to post my thoughts because it is easier on my other blog.
Just thought you should know.
In case you cared.
Which, let's face it, you probably don't.
:P
But, in case you do.
http://tinyurl.com/yt7226
Just thought you should know.
In case you cared.
Which, let's face it, you probably don't.
:P
But, in case you do.
http://tinyurl.com/yt7226
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Stanford offers free tuition to low-, middle-income fam
Can you believe this? What is the world coming to? How are students to gain character by digging themselves out of MOUNTAINS of debt after college with things like THIS going on?!?! :P
read more | digg story
read more | digg story
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