Thoughts From the Road

So, I've been chil-axin at Jenny and Jon's for the past few days and been totally enjoying not working at all... but it does leave me with a lot of time to think.

Two things have been on my mind:

1. Not being able to let go of my ex-boyfriend.

2. Not being able to tell the guy I like that I like him.

I don't know what to do about 1. I keep thinking about Sweden and what my life would have been like with him. We watched Sicko last night and thinking about how horrible our health care system here is, and how wonderful it is in Sweden.

As for number two all I can think about is the speech from Chasing Amy:

"Alyssa Jones: Why are we stopping?
Holden McNeil: Because I can't take this
Alyssa Jones: Can't take what?
Holden McNeil: I love you
Alyssa Jones: You love me?
Holden McNeil: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know...I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me."

I still can't see myself actually SAYing that, as much as I would like to.

As I was kicking around the Mountain Lake resort where they shot Dirty Dancing (omg it was so cool!) I kept thinking about how nice it would have been to explore with someone I loved. I mean, I love Jenny and Jon but not *that* way. The thing about the guy I like is that he makes everything more enjoyable. Even if he doesn't really like the thing we're doing, somehow it's always more fun... *sigh* I just want someone to accept me even thought I am bossy and annoying and moody and fat and broken. And I really want it to be him.

Don't mind me, I am just being a girl.

Also, I probably need to see the doctor and start taking medication...